????????????

Do you live in an igloo? Have you seen any bears? Have you lost a finger and/or toe to frostbite? Is it cold? What is your favorite bear: The polar or the grizzly? Are there UFOs? When you walk, does it feel like you’re upside down? Can you take a picture of my Flat Stanley? Is it cold? Is it cold? My dad shoveled our driveway today.

            The kids from my nephew’s second grade class sent me a list of questions about what it is like to live in Antarctica. Regardless of the quality of their questions, my nephew is not retarded. In fact, before I came to Antarctica, I also worried about frostbite and walking upside down at the bottom of the world. But, what I have since learned about Antarctica, I haven’t learned by living in Antarctica, I’ve had to read books about Antarctica to learn about Antarctica. Even though I live in Antarctica, all I’ve really learned is how to wash dishes in an industrial sized kitchen.

            Since these kids asked me general questions about Antarctica, questions that could be learned in any I-can-read-book, full of pictures (none of which would have a bear) about Antarctica, I decided to submit the answers to the questions about what it’s like to live in Antarctica from my perspective as a dishwasher.

            As dishwashers, we keep a daily log that informs the different shifts about what was, what needs to be, and what was not cleaned during the previous shift.

            So I wrote back to the Second Graders:

            Thank you for your questions about living in Antarctica. None of these answers pertain to your questions. These are the answers to the questions I deal with in my day-to-day life. I think you’d best understand what it’s like to live in Antarctica, by seeing the actual questions, complaints and duties I undertake every day.

            Dishwasher Paul said: Whoever keeps putting the bug juice machine together with the spinning piece upside down should never be allowed near these machines again, Also, this pen is almost out of ink. Where do we get new ……

            Good Question Paul: Pens in Antarctica are as rare as cigarettes in prison. It’s not like we have an Office Depot where we can shop. If you find a pen, I’ll trade you three beers and a stack of 1980s porn.

            Tracey asked: There’s a new sound in the pot room. What is it?

            “Dishwasher” Tracey: Ever since you arrived in McMurdo it seems your only goal is to sleep with as many firemen as possible, get drunk and be completely useless at work. Since the bars are closed on Monday nights, and today is Tuesday, that sound in the Pot Room is the sound of you working for the first time. Tomorrow, the sound of you saying, “I can’t possibly work with this hangover” will return and everything will be normal in the Pot Room.

            Mark can’t figure out a condiment problem: What the f-bomb is up with empte katchep bottles? Not to be harsh, but we need to create a protocal?

            Kids, I think this is a good time for me to reiterate what your teachers always say: read a book, learn to spell and stay in school. And, if you have so many goddamn questions about Antarctica, become a scientist or a mid-level manager (good grades are not a prerequisite to be a boss), and if you really want to learn about Antarctica—don’t come to Antarctica as a dishwasher.